Essay Correction Link 2

http://videoabe.blogspot.co.at/2014/01/essay-corrected-corrected-version.html

Essay Correction Link

http://natisenglishadventures.blogspot.co.at/2013/12/why-republic-of-san-marino-should-not.html

Schengen Final Version

Schengen 1

The Schengen Agreement is a 1985 treaty which caused the removal of internal borders (suspension of border controls?opening of national borders?) in the EU. Since 1995 there is (MNN: has been) one single external border for all the countries in the Schengen Area instead of many national ones. That (this) means that there are no longer passport checks (check: 8.000 google hits, control: 113.000) when you cross (when crossing more formal) the border from one country which has signed the treaty to (with) another one (redundant- leave out). The Schengen Area has a common visa and asylum policy and the police forces of the countries in that area work together when (for example) a criminal (criminals sounds more generic) crosses borders.(needs changing)  Nearly all the (Almost every country in the EU) countries which are in the EU are (is also)part of the Schengen Area. Exceptions are the UK and Ireland. The UK prefers to be independent (from the Schengen agreement) and since the Irish economy depends more on the UK than the EU, it (Ireland decided to keep its free movement arrangement with the UK) would rather keep its free movement arrangement with the UK than join Schengen. Bulgaria, Romania and Cyprus are also (leave out) not part of the Schengen Area yet, because their external borders are not secure enough. Even though they (one would think that they refers to the sentence before, swap clauses) are not in the EU, Norway, Iceland, Switzerland and Liechtenstein are also part of the Schengen Area.

(conclusion)

[185 words]

The Schengen Agreement 2

In 1985, an agreement was signed by five of the ten member states of the European Economic Community, namely Belgium, France, Netherlands, West Germany and Luxembourg, in Schengen, near Luxembourg. This agreement, later known as the Schengen agreement, was set up to permit the free movement of persons within the Schengen area. It includes free travelling from one member state to another without the obligation to show (present a) the passport or identity card. However, there are two exceptions: Some countries, like Norway and Iceland, are not part of the EU but also signed the Schengen treaty. Others, such as the United Kingdom and Ireland, are part of the European Union, but do not belong to the Schengen area. One reason why these two countries disapproved of the agreement was that they fear (their fear for an ) illegal immigration if they opened their borders without any frontier controls. Additionally, the UK and Ireland had already signed a contract known as the Common Travel Area long before the Schengen agreement was set up. Ireland preferred to preserve its free movement arrangement with the UK and therefore is not in favour of signing any other treaties concerning border restrictions.

Schengen our version

The Schengen Agreement is a treaty signed in 1985 which permits the free movement of persons, goods and services within the Schengen area. Since 1995 there has been one single external border for all the countries which means that there are no passport controls when crossing the border between countries who signed the treaty. Countries within the Schengen Area have a common visa and asylum policy as well as an intertwined police work coordination in order to make collaboration easier when, for example, criminals cross borders and need to be tracked down. Almost all EU member states are part of the Schengen Area, with two exceptions, namely the UK and Ireland. The UK prefers to be independent from the Schengen agreement and since the Irish economy depends more on Great Britain than on the EU, Ireland decided to keep its free movement arrangement with the UK. Another reason why these two countries disapproved of the agreement was their worry for illegal immigration if they opened their borders without any frontier controls. Bulgaria, Romania and Cyprus are not part of the Schengen Area yet, because their external borders are considered not to be safe enough. In contrast to the UK and Ireland, Norway, Iceland, Switzerland and Liechtenstein are also part of the Schengen Area, even though they are not in the EU. In short, the Schengen Agreement enables EU citizens to move freely within the Schengen Area, which excludes Great Britain, Ireland, Bulgaria, Romania and Cyprus.

Schengen revised final version

The Schengen Agreement is a treaty signed in 1985 which permits free movement of persons, goods and services within the Schengen area. Since 1995 there has been one single external border for all its member countries which means that there are no passport controls when crossing the border between countries who signed the treaty. Countries within the Schengen Area pursue a common visa and asylum policy, as well as coordinated police work in order to make collaboration easier when, for example, criminals cross borders and need to be tracked down. Almost all EU member states are part of the Schengen Area, with two exceptions, namely the UK and Ireland. The UK prefers to be independent from the Schengen agreement and Ireland, depending mainly on the British economy, decided rather to keep its free movement agreement with Great Britain. Another reason why these two countries refused to sign the agreement was their preoccupation concerning illegal immigration if they opened their borders. Bulgaria, Romania and Cyprus are not part of the Schengen Area yet, because their external borders are considered not to be safe enough. In contrast to the UK and Ireland, Norway, Iceland, Switzerland and Liechtenstein are also part of the Schengen Area, even though they are not in the EU. In short, the Schengen Agreement enables EU citizens to move freely within the Schengen Area, which excludes Great Britain, Ireland, Bulgaria, Romania and Cyprus.

EU individual paragraph

The reasons for founding of the European Union

Brainstorming

• World War II – prevent war
• ECSC – economy ( 1962 by Belgium, France, Italy, Luxembourg, the Netherlands and West Germany)
• then EEC and Euratom
• 1967 – Merger Treaty in Brussels joined the three
• 1993 - named European Union
  
  

Original Paragraph

The European Union was created to unite and stabilize Europe after the second World War. When World War II had ended in 1945, Europe was devastated and shocked by the unethical results of National Socialism. To prevent such a thing from happening again, the European Coal and Steel Community (ECSC) was founded in 1962 by Belgium, France, Italy, Luxembourg, the Netherlands and West Germany to ensure free movement of coal and steel in Europe. This was the first step toward reconstructing European economy and ensuring peace. In 1957 the Treaty of Rome put forth the European Economic Community (EEC) to create a European common market and the Atomic Energy Community (Euratom) to develop nuclear energy. In 1967 the Merger Treaty in Brussels combined the ECSC, the EEC and Euratom and produced the European Communities (EC). After many enlargements the EC was finally named the European Union (EU) in 1993 through the Maastricht Treaty. Many more countries joined the EU after that to ensure a democratic, equal and prosperous Europe. Back then and still the EU stands for stability and peace in Europe.

[182 words]

Feedback Summary 1
The first problem we found was in the second sentence. I wrote of "unethical results of National Socialism". We discussed if the word "consequences" would fit better because consequences sound broader and not as small as result. The third sentence was written in a German word order so we agreed that I should change that. Another mistake we found was that I used "ensure" three times. I will use grant and maintain instead. In the last sentence I wanted to say that something started a Long time ago and still lasts. Dominik knew the Phrase "up until today" for that purpose. All in all my colleagues liked my paragraph.

Rewritten Paragraph

The European Union was created to unite and stabilize Europe after the second World War. When World War II had ended in 1945, Europe was devastated and shocked by the unethical consequences of National Socialism. To prevent that cruelty from happening again, in 1962 the European Coal and Steel Community (ECSC) was founded by Belgium, France, Italy, Luxembourg, the Netherlands and West Germany to ensure free movement of coal and steel in Europe. This was the first step toward reconstructing European economy and maintaining peace. In 1957 the Treaty of Rome put forth the European Economic Community (EEC) to create a European common market and the Atomic Energy Community (Euratom) to develop nuclear energy. In 1967 the Merger Treaty in Brussels combined the ECSC, the EEC and Euratom and produced the European Communities (EC). After many enlargements the EC was finally named the European Union (EU) in 1993 through the Maastricht Treaty. Many more countries joined the EU after that to grant a democratic, equal and prosperous Europe. Up until today the EU stands for stability and peace in Europe.
[180 words]

Feedback Summary 2
The main problem me and my partner found was that there are so many numbers and names in the paragraph. We felt that my text seemed like a listing of events and was hard to read. So we agreed that I could leave out one date and replace it with "later  on". My partner also thought that "after that" sounded too informal and we replaced it with "from that point on". I still think that there are many dates in my text so that it is a bit difficult to read but I could not leave out all the important names and details if they are my paragraph's topic.

Final Version
The European Union was created to unite and stabilize Europe after the Second World War. When World War II had ended in 1945, Europe was devastated and shocked by the unethical consequences of National Socialism. To prevent that cruelty from happening again, in 1962 the European Coal and Steel Community (ECSC) was founded by Belgium, France, Italy, Luxembourg, the Netherlands and West Germany to ensure free movement of coal and steel in Europe. This was the first step toward reconstructing European economy and maintaining peace. Later on the Treaty of Rome put forth the European Economic Community (EEC) to create a European common market and the Atomic Energy Community (Euratom) in order to develop nuclear energy. In 1967 the Merger Treaty in Brussels combined the ECSC, the EEC and Euratom and produced the European Communities (EC). After many enlargements the EC was finally named the European Union (EU) in 1993 through the Maastricht Treaty. Many more countries joined the EU from that point on to grant a democratic, equal and prosperous Europe. Up until today the EU stands for stability and peace in Europe.
[184 words]

Final Version 2
The European Union was created to unite and stabilize Europe after the Second World War. When World War II ended in 1945, Europe was devastated and shocked by the unethical consequences of National Socialism. To prevent such cruelty from happening again, in 1962 the European Coal and Steel Community (ECSC) was founded by Belgium, France, Italy, Luxembourg, the Netherlands and West Germany. This was the first step toward reconstructing the European economy and maintaining peace. Later on the Treaty of Rome established the European Economic Community (EEC) to create a European common market and the Atomic Energy Community (Euratom) in order to develop nuclear energy. In 1967 the Merger Treaty in Brussels combined the ECSC, the EEC and Euratom and created the European Communities (EC). After many enlargements the EC was finally named the European Union (EU) in 1993 through the Maastricht Treaty. Many more countries joined the EU from that point on to ensure a democratic, equal and prosperous Europe. Since then the EU stands for stability and peace in Europe.
[172 words]